Trauma Cat - There's No Such Thing (A Holiday Song) Lyrics

When I was young
Just a stupid little kid
My parents bought and sold me on
Some old seasonal fib
(And you may know the one)
So each and every Christmas Eve
I'd lie in wait excitedly
Until the age of 23
The moment it all dawned on me
There's no such thing as Santa Claus
I know he can't be real because
The logic of his sleigh is flawed
He can't be everywhere at once
I ask you if he's god or man
You never seem to answer that
Am I supposed to think St. Nick
Became this fat old cryptid prick?
So if you're hearing this out there
I recommend you find a chair
Be sure you're sitting down for this
I'll try to rip the Band-Aid quick
There's no such thing as Santa Claus
I know this for a fact because
We're all bound to physics laws
We never wrote the magic clause
And every child deserves to hear
So take your hands off of their ears
Guess I can't say I don't believe
'Cause belief implies possibility
Sorry to kill the mood
But Christmas will be over soon
So your yuletide got less gay
Tomorrow is another day
There's no such thing as Santa Claus
(He's not real)
But if there ever really was
(I'm telling you, it's a hoax)
He wouldn't be so jolly 'cause
(No way, Jose)
The North Pole, soon enough, will thaw
(We're all gonna die)
Merry Christmas to all
And to all, we apologize

When I was young
Just a stupid little kid
My parents bought and sold me on
Some old seasonal fib
(And you may know the one)
So each and every Christmas Eve
I'd lie in wait excitedly
Until the age of 23
The moment it all dawned on me
There's no such thing as Santa Claus
I know he can't be real because
The logic of his sleigh is flawed
He can't be everywhere at once
I ask you if he's god or man
You never seem to answer that
Am I supposed to think St. Nick
Became this fat old cryptid prick?
So if you're hearing this out there
I recommend you find a chair
Be sure you're sitting down for this
I'll try to rip the Band-Aid quick
There's no such thing as Santa Claus
I know this for a fact because
We're all bound to physics laws
We never wrote the magic clause
And every child deserves to hear
So take your hands off of their ears
Guess I can't say I don't believe
'Cause belief implies possibility
Sorry to kill the mood
But Christmas will be over soon
So your yuletide got less gay
Tomorrow is another day
There's no such thing as Santa Claus
(He's not real)
But if there ever really was
(I'm telling you, it's a hoax)
He wouldn't be so jolly 'cause
(No way, Jose)
The North Pole, soon enough, will thaw
(We're all gonna die)
Merry Christmas to all
And to all, we apologize