Monty Python - Blackmail Lyrics

Presenter Hello, good evening, and welcome to
'Blackmail'! And to start tonight's programme, we go to
Preston in Lancashire, and Mrs Betty Teal!
Cut to a slightly blurred black and white photo of a
Housewife with her face blotted out by a black oblong.

Presenter Hello, Mrs Teal!
Cut back to presenter. He picks up a letter and reads
It.

Presenter Now this is for ?15 and it's to stop us
Revealing the name of your lover in Bolton.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '?15' (which flashes on and off
Quickly)

Presenter So Mrs Teal...if you send us ?15 by return
Post, please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely
Children, Diane, Janice and Juliet need never know the
Name of your lover in Bolton.
Cut to a nude man (except for a collar and a tie) at
Organ. He plays a few stirring chords. Cut back to
Presenter.

Presenter (as he speaks he holds up the various items)
And now...a letter...a hotel registration book...and a
Series of photographs...which could add up to divorce,
Premature retirement, and possible criminal proceedings
For a company director in Bromsgrove. He's a freemason,
And prospective Tory MP.. that's Mr S. of Bromsgrove...
?3,000...
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '?3000' (which flashes on and
Off)

Presenter ...to stop us from revealing your name, the
Name of the three other people involved, the youth
Organization to which they belong, and the shop where
You bought the equipment.
Cut back to nude man at organ with chords again. Cut to
Still of two pairs of naked feet and lower legs. Organ
Music over this. Cut back to presenter.

Presenter We'll be showing you more of that photograph
Later in the programme...unless we hear from Charles or
Michael. And now it's time for our 'Stop the Film'
Spot!
SUPERIMPOSED FLASHING CAPTION: 'STOP THE FILM'

Presenter The rules are very simple. We have taken a
Film which contains compromising scenes and unpleasant
Details, which could wreck a man's career. But, the
Victim may phone me at any point and stop the film. But
Remember the money increases as the film goes on. So
The longer you leave it...the more you have to pay! So
Now, with the clock at ?300 this week 'Stop the Film'
Visited Thames Ditton...
The following film is shot in murky 8mm. As the film
Progresses we have a ? sign with numerals in one corner
Which increase. Shot of a residental street in Thames
Ditton (sic). Another section of a street with a figure
In a Robin Hood hat and raincoat - in the distance on
The far side of the road, so we can't really make him
Out. Cut to slightly closer shot of him about to cross
The road. Cut to suburban house. The man is standing at
The door pressing the bell and looking round rather
Furtively. Again shot from some distance and over a
Hedge. Cut back to studio. The presenter looking at a
Monitor and then at a phone. Back to the film: a woman
Opens the door. She wears a dressing gown over
Lingerie. A shaky zoom in to reveal her clothing. Wide
Shot of the house with door shut. Jump cut to shot
Obviously taken from a window in the house. Shaky zoom
In on window. We can see in the window...both the man
And woman enter the bedroom. He goes out of shot,
Taking his coat off. Cut back to studio.

Presenter He's being very brave here...
Cut back to the film: even closer perhaps of window. A
Series of short jump cuts. She is undressing. She
Throws off her dressing gown. A jump and she's taking
Off her negligee. Underneath she wears black corsets.
She produces a whip and seems to be beckoning to the
Man. Phone rings. Cut back to the studio. The presenter
Picks up the phone.
Presenter Hello, sir, hello, yes. No sir, no, I'm sure
You didn't. No, it's all right, sir, we don't morally
Censure, we just want the money...Yes, and here's the
Address to send it to:

Voice Over (and CAPTION:)