Bloodhound Gang - A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying Lyrics

I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert that night
I strolled on into Uncle Limpy's hump palace lookin' for love
It had been a while, in fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come
And went since that midnight run haulin' hog to shakey town on I-10

I had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons
Through a pair of daisy duke cut-offs
And one of those fruit of the loom Tank-tops
Well, that night I lost myself to ruby red lips
Milky white skin and baby blue eyes, name was Russell

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well, I find it's quite a thrill when she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Well, faster than you can say, shallow grave
This pretty little thing come up to me
And starts kneadin' my balls like hard boiled eggs in a tube sock
Said her name was Bambi and I said
"Well, that's a Coincidence darlin'
'Cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a Deer"

Well, she smiled, had about as much teeth as a Jack-O-Lantern
And I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a mask
As I do my little kooky dance and then she told me to shush
I guess she could sense my desperation
Of course, it's hard to hide a hard-on
When you're dressed like Minnie Pearl

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill when she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make
All my fantasies come true
So I says, "Even this one I have where Jesus Christ is Jackhammerin' Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart
As Garth Brooks gives birth to somethin' resemblin' a
Cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum?"

Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
I'm parkin' the beef bus in Tuna Town if you know what I mean
Got to nail her back at her trailer
Heh, that rhymes, I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
When I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill when she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch
Gave the tranny a spin and slid on into the
Stinky pinky gulp n' guzzle big rig snooze-a-stop
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of Throb
When I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of the milk carton

Well, my heart just dropped
So I decided to do what any good Christian would
You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold
A half gallon of moo juice and polish the one-eyed gopher
When your doin' seventy-five in an eighteen-wheeler
I never thought missing children could be so sexy
Did I say that out loud?

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill when she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'