Michelle Pfeiffer - (The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs Lyrics

Front step, cha-cha-cha, back step cha-cha-cha
Side step, front step, back, and turn

Oh my god, penny, there's Link, Link!
I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!

Front step, cha-cha-cha, back step cha-cha-cha
Side step, front step, back, and tu-
Oh, amber, look at this motly crew!
Oh, this town has sure gone downhill since I was crowned miss

Oh, mother not more ancient history
Oh my God, how times have changed
These girl's either blind
Or completely deranged
But time seemed to halt
When I was, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Amber, that move is far too dirty
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930

You can laugh, but life's a test
Don't do this, don't do that
Remember, mother knows best
For the crown's in the vault
From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

These steps are perfect ammunition
Let me show you how your mommy dear took out the competition
Girls, go get 'em
Boys, let's rumba
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven

Those poor runner-ups
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha, not a chance

Boys, put me down
Oh, good morning ladies
Let's see what you got

Twist, twist, twist, twist
Mashed potato, mambo

Ready? Begin

On my show you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bumping grind

What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks?
Oh you should have seen my bag of tricks

Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze
While belting Aida and preparing soufflés
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Proceed

Are you scared we're on live?
No, I'm sure I can cope
Well, this show isn't broadcast in
Cinemascope

I never drank one chocolate malt
No desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

This one will never get a date in those hand me down clothes
Ha, kid she'll never get a date 'til daddy buys her a new nose
I would say "Oy Gevalt"
If I wasn't "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Do you dance like you dress?
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
I sure would, I'm all for integration
It's the new frontier

Not in Baltimore it isn't
And may I be frank

First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it

And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be in
So we're kicking you out
With your form and your face
Oh, but it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Eh, you may go
Um, thank you?
I think they secretly liked you

May I please audition?
Of course not
But you may bow and exalt
'Cause I am "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Crabs, crabs, crabs