Ben Folds - Bizarre Christmas Incident Lyrics

(Ho ho ho!)

Hey grandpa, let's tell them the little story about this Christmas
(Yeah tell 'em, tell 'em about Christmas!)

Christmas Eve,
I didn't get much sleep
I kept hearing things
Heavy breathing from the chimney, who could it be?

(I know who it was)
(What happened then, Ben?)
(Yeah, what happened?)
I went back to sleep
(Back to sleep? Shit!)
I'm tired if I don't have sleep

And in the morn'
I couldn't believe my eyes
A whale of a corpse
With a long white beard was hangin' over the fire

Oh, Santa's he's a big fat fuck
Went down the chimney got his fat ass suck
Oh honey call the lawyers fast
'Cause Mrs. Claus is gonna sue my ass

Hey hey hey (hey!) yeah
(Ohh, oh oh)

Ok grandpa, step up
Sing in this thing right here
Tell them what you saw, tell them what you saw grandpa

I gotta tell you folks
He wasn't wearin' no clothes (no clothes!)
He must have rubbed the whole gallon of Crisco off
From his back and down to his toes

Well, I was talking to the cops outside
The dog was lickin' Crisco off of his thighs
They hauled him away in a double wide
What a sad, sad way to die, hey hey hey!

Santa's he's a big fat fuck
Went down the chimney got his fat ass stuck
Oh honey call the lawyers fast
Mrs. Claus is gonna sue our ass